I ask God what gets in the way of coming closer to Him and I see Pride rear its ugly head. Only its appearance is pleasing; it looks like a beautiful tall wildflower like the verbenas growing in my garden. But then I see this beautiful flower as it stands next to God and I see it as it really is. Next to God it shrinks and withers. I know it is good for nothing and needs pulled out by the root.

Lord, I don’t want Pride in my life. Even as I watch it shrivel, it refuses to bow. ‘Pride is the inability to bow low,’ He explains.

‘Lord Jesus, show me where Pride is holding me back and reveal its root and stronghold in my life’.

A memory from earlier this year suddenly sears itself in my mind. I was at a conference and had asked someone to pray for me. As I stood before them, with eyes closed, I couldn’t hear the words they were praying. We were standing beside an enormous speaker and the music, still playing, was loud. It didn’t matter to me what they prayed as long as it was the will of God, so I surrendered in the moment, ‘Whatever You want Lord…’ I felt their hand placed on my shoulder and suddenly my body responded. I had not decided to bow, but my body instinctively moved at the presence of God and I found myself down on one knee. It wasn’t a natural position for me, not the way I would bow in my sacred times with Him alone at home with both legs under me and forehead resting on the floor. This was the position of a soldier, one knee bent, head lowered in reverence. I knew I was honouring Him in a way I had never done before. I marvelled that my body knew what to do in the presence of God before even my mind did.

‘King Jesus, I want to be fully surrendered to You. I want every part of me to bow the knee at Your throne. But how do I get a hold on this?’

There was a sudden realisation- ‘You must also bring me your ‘I cans’. You bow, and then you come again with empty hands. Everything comes from Me. Even the Things you think you are doing by yourself. Acknowledge I am your source and then I get the glory. Then it becomes an offering. Live in a posture of humility. When you bow, I can lift up. When you take the lowliest seat at the table, I can exalt you to the highest place. You miss out when you don’t bow low. Come, see what you are missing, then you will be more willing, more willing to accept all your inadequacies and not have to hide them or make up for them. You simply acknowledge they exist and give them to Me.

This is the great Exchange. You bring me your ‘I can’ts’ and I give you Myself. You bring Me your ‘I cans’ and in return you give yourself to Me. So many times you have tried to give me your Things when all I want is you. I am not interested in the Things. I already told you- this is not what Love is. When you give me You, you come with empty hands. Your ‘I cant’s’ and ‘I cans’ are both the same to Me. You come with empty hands, that way you get Me and I get you. This works both ways. You thought it was one-sided. This is the balance, the fine line between grace and works. I cannot give you more of Me when there is still too much of you and you cannot give Me yourself when you think I am more interested in what you offer Me. Empty hands. Come with empty hands, either way’.

Is this the answer I have been looking for, for all these years? When I have been trying to answer the cry to ‘Come up here’, and not knowing how to get there. The wistful longing that has become an intrinsic part of my psyche, the deep ache to be closer, to know Him more and yet the awareness of distance and not knowing how to breach that gap, to cross over from the realm I can see to the one I can’t.

Words from an old hymn come to mind:

Just as I am

Without one plea

but that thy blood

was shed for me

And that thou bidst me

Come to Thee

O Lamb of God

I come, I come

Psalm 84 v1-2 (NLT)

How lovely is your dwelling place,
    O Lord of Heaven’s Armies.
 I long, yes, I faint with longing
    to enter the courts of the Lord.

Proverbs Ch3 v5-6 (NIV)

Trust in the Lord with all your heart
    and lean not on your own understanding;
 in all your ways submit to him,
    and he will make your paths straight